She KNEW he was cheating. She’d known it, without the proof, for a long time now. Still, despite her knowing, she hung in there, trying to be a good Christian wife and mother, like “Pastor” counseled her when she went to him with her concerns. He advised her to continue to do her godly duties as a wife and mother. These duties include sex, despite the indiscretions; because a wife should not deny her husband. He, the Pastor, even went so far as to question if this could be the reason he was seeking fulfillment outside the marriage! (Yes, this is a modern day American conversation)
“Don’t give up. You gotta PRAY through it. You can’t just let the devil have your marriage and family without a fight!”
Now, a few years later, with her youngest daughter’s confession “daddy took me over her house”, she was finally ready to confront the issue and leave like she should have done years ago. But for this woman, a 32 year old African American mother of 2, this confrontation may be too late. And I will tell you why in just a minute, but first…this short rant.
This pastor (who also believes that the feminist movement is responsible for high divorce rates and therefore the downfall of America) and so many like him, have no interest in the social, emotional, physical or spiritual health of women as individuals. They measure the worth of females/women by our ability to be “good” wives and mothers. Everything else that makes us “human” is a distant third or non-existent. After all, we (being somehow incomplete in ourselves) are put on this Earth to be the “helpmates” of men and the wombs of children. If we as women can just master wife-ing and mothering, then we have fulfilled our purpose as women. And that’s some bulls**t!
Anyway…So, why might it be too late for this woman to address the issue of her husband’s infidelity? Well, according to a recent study published in the American Journal of Public Health, women worldwide are primarily contracting HIV from their husbands. Yes, their HUSBANDS.
For years, religious zealots and social conservatives have prescribed the over simplistic “abstinence only until marriage” pill for the HIV and AIDS crisis our nation and our world faces. Billions of federal dollars are being poured into ineffective programs whose primary aim is getting others to embrace a certain code of morality rather than solving sexual health problems. These programs leave out, misrepresent or flat out lie about human sexuality and clinically proven ways to prevents STI’s and unwanted pregnancy. And comprehensive sexual education programs that do take an unbiased approach to human sexuality are many times excluded from receiving federal funds.
Many abstinence-only-until-marriage advocates believe strongly that monogamous marriage is the only answer to the HIV/AIDS crisis in the world. And it may be, if and only if both parties are being monogamous. It would be possible only when both parties have the knowledge and power to control their own bodies and make decisions about their own health. But research is telling us this is not the case. According to AIDS Action, a national organization whose main goal is the development of sound and effective policies and programs in response to the HIV epidemic, “Simply being married is a major risk factor for women.” And a study by Allan Guttmacher Institute sadly reports that more than one third of women are at risk of contracting an STI because “they mistakenly think their partner is monogamous”.
Now I am sure that many might be saying “Infidelity can occur in unmarried couples as well, so why the focus on married women?” Yes, it is true that infidelity is not limited to marriage. But it seems to me that married women here in America (1.) have a false sense of safety and (2.) are being socially or religiously pressured to stay in situations that are not in their best interest. Both of these puts married women in a very vulnerable position.
In other countries were women are still being oppressed with the consent of their governments (ie, being stoned to death for allowing herself to be raped or being unable to make choices about her body), it is unlikely that a woman will/can choose to leave her husband because of his infidelity. It is also unlikely that she will be able to deny him sex or require him to wear a condom.
So where does this leave women? More specifically, where does this leave women of color like myself, who worldwide are disproportionately afflicted with this deadly disease? The answer both saddens and angers me.
When are people going to get it? HIV is not a simple moral problem that exists in a social vacuum. It is a complex health problem that exists in an even more socially complex world. This health crises needs to be addressed with same reason and objectivity that the medical community uses to address other health problems.
A woman is not safe from HIV just because she is married. And a woman who unquestioningly believes that she is may find that she is really at the greatest risk of all.
Copyright © 2007Tanisha Renee
It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. I’ve had so much to do and so little time to do it in. Bills to pay, and not enough money to pay them all. People who need my attention, but feeling as if I don’t have enough energy to attend to them all.
